I'm afraid of being a lesbian

A Sexual Fantasy

— By Rita

My name is Rita. I'm 35 years old and I have two small kids. I live a happy marriage. So what's going on? Well, I've always been sexually neutral. I'm attracted to men. I've always had boyfriends before my husband. I never have sexual fantasies or think about sex during the day. Sex with my husband is good, we made our sexual discovery mainly together. He knows my body well, I know his. Sometimes we think about being with other people. Sometimes another couple or another girl. Never another man. I'm not sexually aroused by that. I am so much more attracted to the woman's body than the man's body in erotic movies. Sometimes I think it makes me bissexual. But I've always considered myself neutral, probably because I totally shut down the chance of actually being a lesbian. I'm scared of that. Because I love my husband and I'm afraid of the social and personal consequences of the new found sexuality. This is something I recently discussed with my therapist: that when I finally sort out other things in my life I might as well rethink my sexuality. And that got me scared. My husband is helping me a lot in the process. We trust the love we have for each other and we're willing to go down this road together. That's why my sex fantasy is bringing down the barriers of my sexuality with the right person by my side. Gently and slowly discover the body with another woman. Step by step touch her, knowing and enjoying all these new feelings and sensations. My husband will be there for my own pleasure. A safety net and an enticer. He will tell me to go ahead, to touch and to trust. To break down all these barriers that I imposed myself, that keep me from fully understanding and appreciating my body and my sexuality. I want to touch, I want to kiss. I want to be touched and to be kissed. I want to stop being afraid of my sexuality. I want to discover myself and enjoy whatever the consequences are of my personal discovery.