Rare reminder

It's your birthday today, the same day as my parents' wedding anniversary. Most things that I remember about our relationship are negative, it was toxic, manipulative, I felt bad physically and mentally for a long time after. I haven't seen you many times ever since, but my body flinches when I see you, it wants you to be far far away from me. But sometimes, like today, my brain and heart have a glitch and my body reminds yours and feels the reminders of the passion between us. I cannot think about anything else than your soft skin and warmth, about the shivers that crossed your body when I touched you sligtly, reaching your thighs, about your perfect breasts and how they touched mine. I can hear your soft moans when my tongue or my fingertips were dancing on your vulva, pressing harder and harder. I remember the words you said, like once when we woke up and you dreamt that you were inside me or when you whispered in my ear that you'd like to fuck me so strongly until my arms couldn't hold me up anymore, after one of our break-ups. I feel your fingers and how much I loved taking them in my mouth and sucking. I remember the sex after sauna sessions or licking caramel or maple syrup from your sweet golden skin. I can't stop thinking about the times when you were a bit rougher with me, you know I liked it, when you bit my nipple and grabbed me harder. We live in the same city again, even though I fled you, Berlin. I am sitting on a hard U-Bahn seat, pressing my thighs together while these memories flood my mind. I know I could never let you close again, but my brain projects the image of us having a deal, you coming to my newly furnished appartment, no word is spoken and we just sleep with each other. Or we meet in a club or a bar and disappear in the toilet. But I know the wounds that took so long to heal would rip open from it again, so this better remains a fantasy.