As I am

A Sexual Fantasy

— By girl_in_progress

Dear Erika,

For almost the last four years I have been battling with a series of mental health issues. My struggle with mental illness has often times been responsible for holding me back from where I have wanted to go and who I have wanted to be, and has been a great source of shame and embarrassment. Because of this, romantic relationships, (along with platonic ones) have become really difficult to maneuver. For many years I have been trying to overcome a number of eating disorders, and consequently am prone to very low self-esteem/body dysmorphia. When it comes to men, there is a great deal of anxiety surrounding the thought of becoming emotionally and physically intimate, only because I am afraid to reveal certain things about me-whether it be elements of my past, or feel comfortable enough to be naked in front of them. During the times I have been sexually intimate in the last few years-which have largely of drunken one night stands, I have almost always put up a facade of sorts; by being dishonest about myself or by starving myself for the days/weeks prior out of fear of being inadequate or that I will not be accepted for who I am/my past. My fantasy is perhaps not as kinky or exciting as some of the others you have and continue to receive-but what I crave is acceptance. To be seen for who I am, and not cast aside. To be comforted, not with words, but with touch. To make a physical and emotional connection. To feel safety and peace of mind in the arms of another. To feel loved and desired. And for an encounter of sex and affection to communicate understanding and mutual trust. Even though I know I can and will achieve this someday, it would mean so much to me for you and your talented cast and crew to bring this to life.

I yearn to be seen, and then loved and I am.